Ever wonder how your parenting stacks up in our world of benchmarks and parenting philosophies? Take this quiz to find out, picking one best answer for each question.
1.Baby transportation: Baby wearing or stroller?
a. Baby wearing forever! Or at least until he tells me he prefers to drive.
b. Stroller. My back hurts.
2.Manners: Your toddler said he hates you and threw goldfish crackers in your face. Your response:
a. Discuss why throwing and name-calling is wrong, suggest postponing anti-parent angst until he is a teenager. Work with your toddler to pick up the goldfish from the floor together. Name the goldfish. Find an appropriate container for storing the goldfish. No, not the green cup. Incentivize as needed.
b. Deal when you have the energy. Pick up the goldfish yourself and eat them.
3. Health and safety: You are committed to clean living and eating, which means:
a. You stay up at night to read online product reviews, scan recall information and research ingredients, avoiding anything manufactured abroad or made with PVC, BPA, phosphates, plastics or potential neurotoxins. It takes you on average a week to select the perfect baby spoon and two months to select a car seat. You can’t decide whether you envy or judge people who can order at a restaurant on the fly or just buy things at a store without consulting their phone. You have nightmares about the dirty dozen.
b. Finish the chicken nuggets on your child’s plate. That’s clean eating.
4. Etiquette: From time to time, a stranger may ask you prying questions. Your response style:
a. Non-confrontational. Why bother if you’ll be labeled too hormonal, too helicopter or too free-range anyway? Plus, you don’t have any fight left in you after negotiating with small children all weekend.
“Sorry, no, I’m not pregnant, just gained a little, ha ha! Yeah, here’s your seat back.”
“Will I be an unemployed stay-at-home-mom forever, you wonder? I’d love your opinion on the matter which is a source of domestic discord and existential conflict.”
“Do I plan to have more children because the clock is ticking? Maybe we can set up a coffee date for you and my uterus to chat about my fertility issues.”
b. Direct. “Do I know you?”
5. Socializing: You could really use some adult company and your girlfriends are inviting you out. You:
a. Get out for 45 minutes and bring your toddler along because you don’t feel comfortable with your babysitter, because it’s the NBA playoffs on TV for your partner, because your in-laws have a neighbor with a dog, because of global warming, because Bacon Bits aren’t actually bacon. Because guilt.
b. Agree to have your partner or babysitter watch your child. It’s been too long since you went out alone, carrying a tiny, diaper-free purse.
6. Religion: Your and your partner are of different religious backgrounds. What’s your philosophy on mixed-faith parenting?
a. On dates, you discussed the traditions your future children must espouse. Fasting for a month? Sunday mornings? Friday nights? Santa? Bunnies? Lox? The date’s answers determined his rite of passage from “incompatible” to “viable/date #2.”
b. The more holidays, the merrier. Just be nice to others. Unless they’re an asshole.
7. Work: You are deciding whether to go back to work after baby is born.
a. Negotiate as long of a maternity leave and as flexible of a schedule as possible and return to work. Cry in your office or company bathroom while looking at baby photos on your phone. Wonder about the meaning of work-life balance and the tool who came up with the idea.
b. Leave your job. Occasionally, wish you could wear a suit on a Tuesday morning and send emails with words like “leverage” instead of getting apple sauce out of your pants. Wonder about the meaning of work-life balance and the tool who came up with the idea.
Mostly a’s: You are an awesome parent. Keep loving your kids and taking care of them the best way you know how, and you’ll be alright. Oh, and ditch these parenting aptitude quizzes.
Mostly b’s: You are an awesome parent. Keep loving your kids and taking care of them the best way you know how, and you’ll be alright. Oh, and ditch these parenting aptitude quizzes.