About last night: 10 ways Valentine’s Day derailed

Let’s face it, most of us have been there one way or another – because not everybody spends a day in February with Godiva chocolates and overpriced balloons.


1. Robert signed a Valentine’s Day card for Clarissa with a tentative “Love, Robert,” which forced them to confront the inauthenticity of their feelings, whereupon they broke up.

2. Jared flew across the county for a romantic weekend rendez vous  with his long distance girlfriend, only to find her sick with the flu, the situation quickly deescalating from raunchy to viral.

3. A couple paid $65 per person for a prefix menu, which included a macaroni product with a sprinkling of mechanically shredded cheese and molten lava cake dessert, which did not at all have a molten center when broken with a spoon, but was instead hard and crumbly.

4. Danielle stood outside the movie theater with her date, a comparative literature professor. Instead of enjoying the erudite pre-movie conversation, all she could do was think about the wind blowing up her skirt and curse the decision to  wear a thong in a snowstorm.

5. Dean gave Stephen two dozen roses sprinkled with baby’s breath and asked him to move in with him. Stephen declined. They still had the expensive main course to finish, which they did in silence.

6. Fernando decided to surprise his girlfriend with a gigantic purple teddy bear. As he carried the bear from the subway, the bear collapsed and crushed Fernando’s toe, causing him to abandon it on the side of the road.

7. Jen went out with Sammy but only because Xavier stood her up. She kept texting Xavier all evening but decided to go home with Sammy anyway, in part because she felt touched by the lobster dinner, but mostly to avenge Xavier.

8. Priya got food poisoning from consuming undercooked meat. Her date got heartburn from the tomato sauce. Both pulled an all-nighter for all the wrong reasons.

9. Lena’s Valentine’s Day plans involved pampering herself with takeout for one and Sex and the City reruns, only to discover her TV was broken and Tinder was down.

10. Marissa and Victor fell asleep without dinner or gifts next to their baby, who cried until midnight. They woke up at 1 a.m. and ate freezer waffles, after which Marissa went back to the nursery to pump milk – since baby would be up again in an hour. She decided it was for the better, since her pre-baby lingerie would probably not fit and she was too tired, anyway.


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