Doing car makeup right: an unglamorous tutorial

Look, I know what you’re thinking: who in their right mind would apply makeup in a moving vehicle? It’s dangerous, plus people think car makeup looks like the aftermath of a baby playing with a tube of red lipstick.

Car makeup is something I admit to doing only once in a while, and only when vehicle is stationary. Sure, I wish I could be like those 20 year old YouTube superstars, who baste themselves with 180 eyeshadow colors using 35 eye makeup brushes for an hour, before moving on to contouring.

Life with two small children shortens the daily beauty ritual. Multitasking is key. So, um, hey guys, here are some tips.

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Don’t have an an angled eyeshadow brush while stuck in traffic? In a circular motion, dab color over the eyelid with your finger. If traffic is still not moving, rub a darker color, like “Captivating Caramel” or color of “My Damn Coffee Is Cold After I Chased My Toddler All Morning,” into the crease. Blend with finger. Blending is the difference between raccoon chic and runway chic.

When it comes to foundation – this is important when headed to work or a job interview – squirt it into the palm of your hand. Watch the oil separate and dribble through your fingers onto your pastel-colored shirt.

Uncap your eye pencil just before the light turns green. If you line one eye, don’t forget to line the other one at the next light, accepting that they might look slightly different and that, no matter how careful the application, the mascara will stain your car or your face. Probably both.

Eventually you’ll learn to identify the pieces in your makeup bag by length and texture. And you don’t need a mirror much – don’t you know where your brows are? Grab the pencil that feels right. You might end up with eyebrows painted Purple Rain or Fuzzy Peach, but hey, that’s the price of convenience.

Not done? No problem. You can finish the rest once you arrive to your destination, likely in plain sight of the people you are planning to meet with.

Before you get discouraged by the complexity of the technique, remember: key to successful car makeup is low light conditions and asymmetry. And practice.

And that’s that! I’ve been getting a lot of emails and tweets asking my secrets to fabulous airdried hair and the mama mani: featuring a polish-free natural shade, nervous-biting tips and Oxyclean-eroded fingers, all in demand this season. Tune in next week. Thanks, guys! Bah bye!

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